I know it's been a while. I've been on contract for the last month at another school - fixing a train wreck. I very rarely post without photos of my stitching, but I just haven't had the time while working between 60 & 70 hours a week. It's been both exhausting and frustrating to say the least but I will not complain about that.
I am, however, in much need of a mini-vent of the personal kind.
I am at a loss. Last Thursday I saw the Stud Muffin. First time I had seen him in a few weeks due to my contract. He said something to me when he left - "Thank you for my smile." Simple enough, but it nagged at me all weekend... in a serious way... as in I couldn't think of anything else. I checked into my hotel last night and logged on to the net. Yea. My intuition was right - something was seriously off kilter.
Enter the gut punch...
HE GOT MARRIED SATURDAY... just two days after seeing me!!!!!!
My first thought was how did I miss the signs? We all know that there is no such thing as "out of the blue". He had told me he wanted me in his life and nothing worked without me there. And I specifically asked if he was seeing any one else and he said no... and I believed him.
I sent him a message asking if he had lied to me the whole time. I asked why he didn't tell me when we spent time together Thursday. Told him it would have been the honorable and respectful thing to do. (Do honor and respect even exist in the dating world anymore?)
He said he didn't lie the whole time. He made a mistake in which he had to take responsibility. That he could never tell me enough how sorry he was. That this was in no way how he wanted his life to be, but that it is what it is now. That he never expects me to forgive him but that he is sorry with everything he has in him. (Did you catch a hint of poor pitiful me in that? Like he wanted me to feel sorry for him? Jerk.)
~ Insert my thought here... he may not have been seeing someone from the start of us, but it sure does sound to me like he knocked someone up. Wouldn't you agree?
So, I told him that people come into and leave your life for a reason. That he reminded me of a lesson I had previously learned but had forgotten. I thanked him for that. I told him I couldn't believe he was sincere and that everything made sense now... I finally see him for who he really is. Then I gave him a giant F U. (Un-lady like I know, but I thought the situation would give me a pass... please say you are in agreement.)
He responded by saying his apology was completely sincere. Life was better with me in it. He was sorry.
I told him I obviously didn't make his life better enough to have an impact to be genuine and honest. I deserved the truth and he didn't give it. He turned me into little more than a disposable side piece. I told him that he was right, his life was better with me in it because I genuinely cared about him. (Obviously, I am better off without him.) That I didn't do anything to deserve this. He gut punched me and knocked me to the floor.
His response - silence. No shocker there.
~ I thought I handled myself pretty well all things considered. AND... I actually voiced myself to him which was a relief... I never could voice myself to my ex-husband. Unfortunately, my first instinct was to question what I had done wrong and how I fell short. Even now I am struggling but I know it'll pass. My second instinct was to cut off his manhood, stuff it, and mount it on the wall like a trophy. AND.. My third instinct was to call his new wife and make sure she knew what kind of man she just married. I won't do either of the last two though because that would mean I had stooped to a low I don't need to go to. Instead, I'll drink my glass of wine to ease the tension and do some work.
On a final note... The world needs to practice the Golden Rule a little bit more. Really, a lot more. People need to be lifted up instead of broken down. Remember this, all of you lovely people - and for some, I know it's a challenge... myself included - DO NOT allow yourself to determine your own worth based upon the actions of another.
Thanks for listening peeps. It's much appreciated.
I hope your Monday has been better than mine.