Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Not Quite Lost

But it feels like it. I've been absent because I've not had the courage nor creativity to post.

Let me preface with this. 4th of July was a blast. Literally. We constructed a massive board with tons of pvc piping, dropped the fireworks down the pipeing and fused it all together. And when I say tons, I mean tons b/c the parental unit purchased $1200 worth of fireworks. Momma visited the neighbors to let them know we were having a major party. I placed a mattress and bedding in the back of the big little brother's pickup. The boys chair carried daddy out to the truck and we drove him down the driveway so he could see. Oh, it was the fireworks show he'd wanted and then some. The neighbors stopped their party just to cheer us on. It was good for the soul.

I knew in my heart of hearts, after seeing daddy upon arrival, that this would be the last time. I knew he'd been waiting for the sibs and me to assemble. He and I didn't speak of it, but I managed to get him all to myself for a bit. I kneeled on the floor beside the bed so I could be at eye level. I said the things I needed to say and asked for forgiveness for the things that weighed me down. Daddy rubbed my cheek as I cried and told me no regrets.

When the kinder vermin and I left, I told him I would be back soon. I couldn't say good bye. Driving away was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. I broke. It took me almost twice as long as usual to make it home.

Two days later, Daddy was gone. He passed quietly in the night with my momma holding one hand and whispering in his ear that he was loved and it was ok. My baby brother held his other hand and my uncle sat beside him. I think it would have been harder if I hadn't had the chance to spend one more time with him. I was somewhat able to mentally prepare myself but I spent the majority of my time taking care of him and mom during that visit. I do have one regret though... I'd always planned for him to walk me down the aisle if the was ever another man fortunate enough to find himself attached to me.

We lost a great man. He CHOSE to love us.( I'm not saying our bio-dad doesn't love us, he's just someone I talk to once or twice a year.) Daddy loved my mother with so much passion. I'll never forget one time momma walked by daddy and me... he smiled really big, his eyes lit up and  he said "that's my wife... isn't she beautiful" It wasn't a question, just a declaration. Daddy was my hero... the one man in my life I could fully trust. He was my confidant, my mentor, my partner in crime. He made a mark on this world. It was his nurture, not nature, that helped us kids become who we are... independent, free thinking, wholesome adults... even if we are our own special brand of crazy.

Our family does not normally post photos of each other on any type of social media. But, for the second time in all of my history on social media I will share my daddy...
Heaven has become a lot more interesting and entertaining.

Momma gave me some of his t-shirts. Sounds weird to say it like that, but hold up a second. I am making each one of us sibs, the kinder vermin, momm and my uncle a pillow. I will be calling it the "pappy pillow" for the kinder vermin. I hand stitched my baby brother's while we were still together. I wanted to make sure he had his before he was off and going since he currently resides the farthest away. I'm quite pleased with the outcome. Daddy wore his t-shirts so often that they were all super soft. I decided to buy the pillow itself. I found a great deal on travel pillows that had zippers in them so we could restuff them later if need be. The baby brother wanted a pillow on his and I actually closed it off with Velcro at his request.

Finally, we made a decision about daddy's ashes. Mom didn't know what to do. OF course it's not like she's thinking straight... she did just lose her person. I suggested we purchase a teddy bear. We haven't decided whether to use Build-a-Bear or not, but the plan is to put daddy in a teddy bear so that he's not sitting in a cold, hard urn. Then when momma leaves this world.... many, many moons from now, us sibs will decide where to scatter them. That way momma and daddy will ALWAYS be together.

I know this was a long post. I'm sorry for that. I good to help me process though as like I said, I've felt kind of lost. I keep expecting a phone call that I know I'm never going to receive again. *Sigh*